


if you would only let you

by quantumoddity



Series: Widomauk Modern AU [7]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Healing, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 06:23:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16444508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quantumoddity/pseuds/quantumoddity
Summary: Caleb finds himself lost after graduation, unsure what to do with the rest of his life





	if you would only let you

Even standing completely still, Caleb’s stomach lurched and his head span.

He gripped the railing of the fire escape tightly and tried to take deeper breaths but still his chest felt taut, like his lungs had been scrunched up like paper bags until they couldn’t hold enough air to sustain him. The tips of his fingers were numb and with eyes open, the city tipped and rocked in front of him with the grids of illuminated windows making firefly trails but with eyes closed, the bile rose in his stomach, bringing with it the taste of the sale beers he’d drunk far too quickly.

It wasn’t the first panic attack he’d had in the middle of a party but it was the first he couldn’t attribute to having to make small talk with acquaintances or just the general presence of other people when he wanted to be alone.

Caleb had no idea what was making him feel this way.

Today was supposed to be his triumph. He’d done it, in spite of everything, all the tears and frustration and sleepless nights, he’d graduated. He was officially a Master of Transmutation Magic in the Soltryce Academy; he had the piece of paper to prove it. He’d torn his hair and blistered his fingers and bruised his knuckles to prove that he was worthy of this and now it was done. The party celebrating this achievement continued on in his absence, over his shoulder, though slightly muffled by the closed window of Nott and Beau and Yasha’s apartment. All his friends had hugged him and cheered him and told him how proud they were. Tonight, Caleb had full licence to drink himself blind and then two weeks from now he could go back to the academy and do the whole thing over again, aiming for a professorship now.

Just like he’d always wanted. Just like he’d planned.

Caleb’s mouth twisted and he began to shake.

 

He never heard the window open behind him but then, Molly never made any noise when he moved, not unless he wanted to.

“You’re missing your own party, handsome,” his smooth, lyrical accent was a much nicer sound in Caleb’s ears than the clattering of cars on the street far below and his perpetually warm skin was a comfort as his arms slid around his chest. Caleb hadn’t even noticed he’d been getting cold.

“I just needed a minute,” the wizard mumbled apologetically, well aware he’d been out here for more than ten.

“You don’t need to worry,” Mollymauk shook his head, making the jewellery in his ears and horns chime, “You seem…frazzled.”

Caleb smiled with no mirth, “Frazzled. Ja.”

Molly rested his head between Caleb’s shoulder blades, his hold comforting, just the right amount of firmness to help the wizard feel like he was being anchored to the ground but not too much that the tightness in his chest was worse. He didn’t push his boyfriend to say more than he was ready too, even though he could read his face and his posture and know immediately that something was very wrong.

Mollymauk had been there in the audience, immediately obvious even from up on the stage where Caleb was, feeling immensely awkward in his ceremonial robes and a mortarboard that kept slipping off his head and covering his eyes. His red eyes had shone with pride the whole way through all the boring speeches and ridiculous traditions that needed to be observed and, when it was Caleb’s turn to walk across the stage and accept the sheet of paper that made the last four years have a point, the tiefling had jumped to his feet and applauded and whooped louder than anyone else.

Of all the time Caleb had spent frustrated beyond belief in the library or the lab, imagining his graduation day to get himself through it, he’d never imagined that he’d have someone there for him. Someone to look at him so proudly and lovingly and kiss him as soon as it was over. Right now, that kiss and those arms around him right now felt a hell of a lot better than that piece of paper.

“I…I don’t know what to do, Molly,” his brain spat out of his mouth before anything else could get involved and stop him. If he couldn’t admit it to the love of his life, who could he admit it to?

Molly raised his head, moving to Caleb’s side so he could look him in the eyes, “You mean right now? Or in general?”

“Both…” Caleb could feel his throat tightening and tears welling in his eyes, “I don’t know what to do with my life. Getting here was all I’ve thought about for years and years, I’ve worked so hard, and…and now I don’t know…”

Molly’s voice softened, hand reaching out and touching Caleb’s cheek lightly, “Darling…”

“This isn’t what I want,” actually saying it out loud felt like rust in his throat, but the words didn’t stop coming, “I hate school. I hate that place. I hate what it does to me. It makes me miserable, it took everything from me…and now what? I’m just going to go back there? I’m going to spend the rest of my life being depressed as shit and pretending like it’s what I want?”

“Oh Caleb…” Molly saw the trembling hands and the fat tears rolling down his cheeks before Caleb registered them, pulling him closer, trying to ground him with his touch and his voice, “Caleb, baby, you never have to set foot there again if it makes you feel this way.”

“But…then what do I do?” he seemed to shrink further into his jacket, sobbing so hard his words were near incomprehensible, “I don’t know what else to do, everyone thinks I’m so smart, that’s all I am, what am I supposed to be if I give that up?”

“You will be Caleb Widogast.”

Molly’s voice finally overtook Caleb’s frantic breathing, his too fast heartbeat pulsing in his ears. His forearms felt his fingers and rings digging into them and his trembling lower lip stilled a little.

“You will be Caleb Widogast,” Mollymauk repeated, the breeze making his violet curls rustle, “You will be the kindest and bravest and strongest person I know. You’ll still have worked so hard and you’ll still be clever and I’ll still love you more than anything.”

Caleb waited to be pulled back under by the panic but it never returned. Molly’s voice was the only thing he could hear, the only thing he could feel was his palm gently resting on his cheek and the tiefling’s forehead against his own.

“You don’t need to make any decisions right now, Caleb,” Molly said firmly, “The only thing we’re gonna do right now is go home and let you catch up on some sleep.”

“That…that sounds nice,” Caleb nods, “As long as you’re there.”

Molly smiles crookedly, lighting up his whole face, making it impossible for Caleb not to smile back a little, “I just got my boyfriend back from the clutches of academia. Where else would I be?”

 

Much later, Caleb was lying with his head pillowed on Mollymauk’s chest, remembering being seven years old and spending hours and hours painstakingly drawing a picture of a bookstore, inking in every single title on every single spine, deciding the decorations on every shelf to match the genre they held, sketching in the comfortable antique chairs and the posters of first editions that would hang on the walls. He remembered how he’d pretend to sit behind the counter, imagining the customers who would come in, how the cat he’d always wanted would sleep on the counter, how the sun would always come in through the windows.

The more Caleb thought of it, the nicer it sounded. As long as there would be an extravagantly dressed purple tiefling curled up in the chair closest to the counter, with the same crooked, loving smile on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm over on Tumblr, posting head canons about this AU and others so why not swing by and request a few, @mollymauk-teafleak. Please consider leaving kudos and comments!


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